Is this a good guild storyline? I want opinions of players.

[Saint Doriath]

In the beginning, Foret had appointed an angel that was known as Doriath as the head angel of heaven, giving Doriath as much power as the gods, but with that power Doriath was still subject to Foret’s discretion and judgment. Foret gave Doriath the most finely crafted sword in all of Tonan to be known as the Sword of Judgement to distribute Foret’s wrath to Tonan. Over several years, Doriath began to lead a group of angels who distributed the wrath of Foret amongst the people of Tonan, Doriath and his followers killed thousands of people in Tonan without mercy, doing it in the name of Foret. Foret began to see that Doriath was becoming inhumane and was using his own judgment and killing innocent people for petty sins. Foret summoned Doriath and asked,
“Why, Doriath, do you pass judgment on people who have done nothing wrong?”
“I am the one passing the judgment, now. Step down,” replied Doriath as he drew the sword of judgement.
“Is this the way you treat the one that made you, Doriath? I will not tolerate mutiny or anything of its likeness. You are banished to Tonan for a millennium to give inspiration to the people of Tonan as a saint.”
Doriath screams in rage after hearing his sentence, he puts Sword of Judgement in his sheath and proceeds to the gates of heaven. Foret changes Doriath into a human with a handsome countenance and sends Doriath to Tonan.

On the first day of his banishment, Doriath proceeds to a local village in the western region of Tonan, and slaughters all of the inhabitants in revenge against Foret. After this act of revenge, a young man approached Doriath. Doriath drew his sword immediately to kill the man and screamed,
“I thought I killed all of you, but I guess not. Prepare to meet the wrath of my sword.”
The man laughed heartily and said, “Doriath, you can not kill me, for I am Darden, the demon of Tonan. I want you to lead my followers to victory against the followers of Foret.”
Doriath stood in disbelief, for he had never seen a god in human form before. Darden walked towards Doriath and asked him again to lead his followers. Doriath’s eyes gleamed with hatred towards Foret and accepted Darden’s offer. Darden then vanished, leaving Doriath in the ruined village. Doriath then set off on a journey through Tonan to gather all the followers of Darden. After gathering all the followers of Darden, Doriath was given the title of Saint by Darden for uniting all of his followers. Doriath used his new authority to name the most elite warriors of Darden’s followers, the Patron Saints of Darden with Doriath as their leader. Saint Doriath and the Patron Saints of Darden await the appropriate time to wage war against the followers of Foret.

[Vesperan]

No.
Why?

In short.. its too short, and youre godmoding your own character and the Gods.

You need to work on the storyline for about another 10 hours.

Cant be bothered really explaining, make it more believable.

[Saint Doriath]

Okay, thanks for the input, man.

[SoulDemon]

This belongs in writers corner, or a guild game folder. Not comments.

[Sunblade]

Do you -really- expect current Darden GMs, who've had their guilds for a long time and written a whole truckload of RP, to kneel down and proclaim you as their patron saint just because you wrote it into a charter?

[Hatred]

I do believe that an Admin has already been named Patron Saint of Darden. I think its Sakkie?

[Dyvim Tvar]

So much potential in a story so poorly realised.
It's too short, there's such a lack of reasoning as to -why- a good would appoint an all powerful single angel to do it's bidding that it's laughable, from a personal stand point personal interraction with a character and the gods should be kept to a minimum without a damn good reason...you failed to have said reason. See Hatred's post about the Patron Saint bit, and also Sunblade's as it has a very good point aswell.

[Saint Doriath]

I apologize Soul Demon, but for the rest of you, it is just a fricking story, that I created.

[Sunblade]

It's not 'just a story' that you created - if accepted, it would have been a part of the patchwork of guild charters and roleplay which stand for the background of the game. Guild charters (should) stand by the same rules as normal roleplay, and yours broke that.

We gave feedback saying this.

You reacted like a child. Again.

[Dyvim Tvar]

Next time why don't you just post a disclaimer warning us all that you'll have a tantrum if we don't heap praise upon your work? It will save some of us the time it takes to read the stuff and post our opinions if we know in advance how you'll react to negative feedback.
*shrugs*
As Sunblade said no potential guilds charter is -just- a story, it's a work of roleplay that, at some point or another if accepted, the rest of us will have to incorperate into our work so if we see a flaw in it we are more than entitled to point it out to you...espescially if you damn well asked us to in the first place!

[Saint Doriath]

I apologize, Dyvim Tyar and everyone else that posted in this thread for my previous post, I am grateful to you all for your input. Do i need more detail in it?

[Betaflame]

Why would Foret create anything as powerful as himself? Why would Darden approch the Saint of Foret, instead of killing it? What possible revenge could it be to kill the village?

Your character is extremely one-diminsional. He seems to kill and nothing else. Does he have remorse for killing? Does he have any other passions?

Long is good. You want to give your character some depth, and meaning. Emotions, other then violence and rage, are a good thing.

[Saint Doriath]

True, Betaflame. Doriath is to be a sarcastic killer with no remorse much like Loki from the American film, Dogma.

[Betaflame]

Loki felt remorse at the actions of his counter parts, remember?

He wasnt exactly a sadistic killer, just believed his actions were always justified. Think about how he acted at the end of the movie.

Anyway, hope this helps you a little.

[Saint Doriath]

Thanks Betaflame.
I do remember that.

[Dyvim Tvar]

Loke gained remorse for the actions of Bartleby at the end of the movie.
His lack of remorse for his actions in the name of God stemmed from the fact that he was receiving his orders directly from the divine, and the one time he questioned those orders was the time he was cast out of heaven and destined to live on the earth for all time with the one who caused him to question those actions...Bartleby.
*ponders*
Although his actions at the very end were those of a recently created mortal so they can't really be relied on, his words during his speech were he likens Bartleby to Lucifer should be taken into consideration though.
The concept you have is a good one, and one I've bounced around myself a few times but one Angel? I'll leave you to think on an expansion to that question since I refuse to share any of my ideas with other people, I'm a very selfish man like that;-)

[Saint Doriath]

Thanks Dyvim, I get what you are saying.

[Voice Vilena]

Firstly "Saint" Doriath..your very posting name may garner more contempt than respect.

Why?

The title "Saint" was used at Monarchy for the staff. When Monarchy uprooted and found itself anew in Evernight, staff titles were changed to "Voice". Perhaps you're new here and didn't know about Monarchy, but I'd say that little tidbit of history might be what keeps (most) people from creating a posting name of "Saint Enter Name Here"...just a matter of respect for Evernight's history. So that gets you off on the wrong foot to begin with.

As to your storyline. It has interesting potential but sorely needs expanding and depth. Think about all the questions posted to you previously, try answering them in a revision of your story. The most important thing you've left out, I think, is why Foret appointed an angel in the first place.

The Gods have Prophets who deign to interact with the inhabitants of Tonan on their behalf. In Maxim, for example, when Decae roleplays with players in Maxim, he does so as the Prophet Decae. Were you to use this story, without revision, in Maxim, it would go against past RP that's made Maxim's history, in which one called "Lord Busah" was introduced as being the very voice of the Prophets, therefore the Gods.

As Vesperan pointed out..you are Godmoding your character not to mention the Gods themselves. Godmoding has two significant definitions: 1) Creating a "God Character" and, 2) Taking action on behalf of another character without permission. In roleplay that I've seen people write in some interaction with Foret, Isonia, or Darden, it's usually been via dreams, thoughts, prayers, family folklore, some way to get around actually "taking action" on the Gods' behalf.

As far as the whole "Patron Saint of Darden" goes..you really need to edit that out completely since there was already a Patron Saint of Darden named. I daresay, it's not a player's place to do so - naming of a Patron Saint lies with the Gods and their Prophets.

Your character seems to lack any weaknesses. All characters have weaknesses, some way they can be undone by another. No matter how difficult it may be to accomplish, the possibility must given or you've created a God Character.

No one likes to play with a God Character. If you choose to keep your character and storyline as it is you may find yourself RPing alone without much respect from this community's roleplayers.

I hope to see some revisions written into your story, as I said, it has potential, just far too many lose ends and unanswered questions.

-Vil

[Abdiel]

The divine Foret, growing displeased with the immorality and corruption in the hearts of humanity, sat among the stars of heaven contemplating a path leading away from the impeding doom hurtling towards the people of Tonan. Finally deciding on a path, Foret summoned his choir of angels to announce to them his decision. From among his angels, Foret selected Abdiel, an intelligent yet mischievous angel, to be the enforcer of his will, passing judgment where deserved. For his new task, Foret bestowed upon Abdiel two gifts: first was the gift of power, power higher than that of all the angels but not rivaling that of the gods, and second, the finest sword in all of the heavens, the Sword of Judgement. Yet with all his power and the Sword of Judgement, he was still subject to the will of Foret and thus inferior.

For many years, Abdiel distributed Foret’s judgement, with no mercy or compassion. Abdiel began punishing the people of Tonan for crimes that did not deserve death, yet Abdiel did it all in Foret’s name. After many years, one of Foret’s angels, Asmodeus, the angel in charge of watching over the people of Tonan, stepped forward to question Abdiel.
“Abdiel, why does Foret have you commit such acts to the people of Tonan? Why should they be punished so much for so little?”
Abdiel, slowly rising his head to meet the gaze of Asmodeus, stood in silence for a moment and with a sly smile, responded.
“Well, if I had the infinite wisdom of Foret, I would not be down here, I would be
in the heavens enjoying a tall mug of ale and a young, supple barmaid. If you
want answers, why don’t you stroll up to Foret and ask.”
“Yes, that is a possibility, but Abdiel, do you truly want to keep committing all
these acts in his name? There is sure to be another way to do this without the harshness that Foret shows.”
“In his name, no. I think you are right Asmodeus, we should go see Foret right now. I will lay the Sword of Judgement at his feet and refuse to do his bidding any longer.”
Barely moments after Abdiel and Asmodeus had decided on their course of action, something strange happened. The ground began to heaving as if it were an ocean not solid earth. Thunder roared with a ferocity that could cause the mightiest of heroes to fall to their knees and weep like a child. Fearing that they might be attacked, Abdiel drew the Sword of Judgement, ready to strike this foolish aggressor. Lightning, gathering from the heavens lanced down towards Abdiel and Asmodeus, striking the ground with a blinding flash. Then it all stopped, leaving in its wake, Foret himself standing before Abdiel and Asmodeus. Abdiel, regaining his composure, sticks the point of the Sword of Judgement in the ground and says sarcastically,
“Hey Asmodeus, it looks like he saved us a trip. All the better, I didn’t feel like flying all the way up there anyway, it’s an awfully long trip.”
Foret, slowly lifting his arm to point at Abdiel and Asmodeus, with a gaze that burns hotter than the fires of all hell.
“Abdiel. Asmodeus. I heard your whole conversation. You have forsaken me, the one who created you. So be it, the punishment for your betrayal is banishment from the heavens to never return. You both shall not have your wings, and Abdiel nor your power. You will keep the Sword of Judgement, but it will have no power for you.”
Enraged by Foret’s punishment, Abdiel grips the sword of judgement’s hilt and swings with all of his might at Foret. Even with all of his quickness, Foret vanishes before the blade can strike. Frustrated by his failure, Abdiel turns his gaze to the sky and screams.
“Foret, if takes the rest of my life, I will see you dead! I will sit on your throne in heaven and laugh as you die a painful death!”
“Abdiel, I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but we don’t have a way to get into heaven, let alone the power to stop Foret.”
“If I can’t get to Foret, I will have to get him to come to me.”
“How do you plan to do that?”
“There is a village nearby, I guess I’ll just have to go on a killing spree.”
Abdiel and Asmodeus proceeded to the village to draw Foret out. The battle did not last long, the two fallen angels disposed of the defenseless villagers with ease. Bodies strewn about and the village burning, a lone man walked through the flames to stand in front of the fallen angels. Seeing the man, Abdiel raises the Sword of Judgement, and with a sly smile, speaks.
“I thought we killed everybody, oh well what’s one more sheep to shear.”
With a bellowing laugh, the man steps forward to speak.
“Dear Abdiel, you cannot kill me, for I am Darden, the demon of Tonan. I have a proposal, that you and your companion will not turn down.”
“And what would that be?”
“If you give me your souls, I will make sure that you have your vengeance against Foret.”
After some time of thinking, both Abdiel and Asmodeus respond in unison.
“We agree.”
“Good, now that I have your souls, I might as well tell you, that I had no intention of keeping my promise. And there is no other choice but for you to obey my command.”
With a sadistic laugh, Darden vanishes in a wisp of smoke. With a sigh, Asmodeus speaks.
“I’ll be damned, we got punished and tricked by two gods, in the same day. I suppose that we have no choice, but to follow Darden’s will.
“Wrong you are, Asmodeus. We will find a way to get into heaven, laying siege to it with a band of followers who also have been forsaken by Foret. One day we will have our vengeance against Foret. Now we must depart, to gather us some followers.”