Sadness: A look into the life...

[Zanafien]

A headsup: This ain't no thread about pity or wanting someone to feel sorry for me and whatnot. This is about me needing to get a few things off my chest, a dairy of sorts so I can get a lot of pent up emotions out into the open, whether someone is reading them or not makes no difference to me. Look, read, comment if you really want, but don't come in giving no shit about wanting pity. I'm here to put this up so I can read it, cause I really ain't got nowhere else to do it. Just something that needs to be done, and once it is, I will probably ask for it to get removed. This is like a diary of my life, and I want to put it somewhere so I can come back and have a long look at it to get things straight in my mind. End of the headsup.

36...yep, just turned 36. What is it sometimes about the aging process that makes us look back over the years? I've found with each passing birthday, I continue to do it, and fear the approach of a new one. And with each passing year, I feel even more remote, more depressed.

Why? Dammit, I would love to hear the answer to that, but none is forthcoming. I busted my knee, closing in on two years now, with a company here in Australia. Lucky me...they sent me in for surgery and the doc says, "Yep, just went in there and did a bit of a tidy up."

Now, what the fuck is that suppose to mean? Does that mean it is fixed and I don't have to worry about anymore pain, because it damn well didn't feel that way. Not one day in the last part of almost two years have I gone without pain. Everyone thinks, oh, yeah, he's getting better because he ain't limping around no more like a cripple. Doesn't matter that every time I step down on the left left, the knee felt like collapsing. Didn't matter that I went home at night after they shoved me back to work taking enough pain pills to put down a horse and crying when I moved the wrong way at some point in the night, putting that knee in a position it really didn't like.

So, what is the best course of action, I ask myself. Get another damn job popped into mind, so I did. Took on the warehouse managers position, thinking, management, will not have to cope with the rigors of lifting, twisting, etc. Wrong, because I was there a week and they cut my warehouse crew from 5 people, including myself, to three. Then down to two, including myself. So, I'm attempting to do the job of another 2.5 people, along with this other guy that does not have his forkie license, and now the knee is starting to really protest, so I go back to the doc. MRI he says. Done, and find there is a tear in the anterior cruciate ligament. What does my doc tell me? "Oh, nothing can be done about it, you gotta live with it."

What? You must be joking...with all the advances in medicine, and you can't fix the damn knee, but I see footballers go in and have their knees worked on and three months later, they are out on the field again. Need another opinion. Get sent to the insurance company doc who not only agrees it is the companies fault, and they need to fix it, but recommends I get a second opinion. Do that, and the doc says, yep, we can fix it before it gets worse. Puts the surgery down for two weeks, the knee is getting worse. Insurance company says no.

Three weeks later, I'm moving a pallet, the knee cops it from the load on it when I try to stop. I'm now out of action. So, I lose my damn good job and have to sit at home twiddling my thumbs. Joy and happiness. So now, I'm stuck at home with a knee that turns to jelly every time I pick up one of my kids, carry a small bag of groceries, knee gives out and puts me on the floor.

Okay, I need the reconstruction done. Insurance company refuses, and finally just turns around and says, "That's it, we are not accepting liability for this anymore. No more money for you."

Great, really fucking fantastic. My head doc tells them I can't really cope with much more stress and then they decide to drop this on me. My wife sends me to fucking jail the day before Fathers day, and why? I come home, have three beers, tell her I need some 'me' time, cause I'm stressing and hurting. What does she do? Comes out and starts berating me for working 6 days a week, not helping out with the family when I get home after a 12-14 hour work day. Tells me I'm not a father to my kids. Well, ya know, that fucking cuts to the bone. I'm working my ass off to try to support her constantly wanting to go out and buy shit, still provide for the family, and attempt to make myself decent to be around by getting some quality alone time. I decide that is it, I'm leaving.

So, she runs in and grabs my car key, says I ain't going anywhere. I tell her to get fucked, I'm going to the shops and get a pack of smokes. Three beers ain't enough to have me out of it. So, grab her wrist, grab the keys and pull from her hands. She runs, calls the cops, not that I know about this, cause I'm back outside listening to some calm and relaxing country music, reminding me of home and making me sad, and wondering why the fuck I even moved to this island.

What was the use if I was going to get treated like a damn piece of dirt by my wife, when I am doing everything in my power to pay off the bills she has run up. What was the use when I came home after a 12 hour day of working my ass off, hurting like no tomorrow, and still played with the kids from 6 pm to at least their bed time before I took pain meds that knocked me around and yet, still had to take her coming in on me saying I should be home more for the kids. Get out and get a fucking job and help me pay the bills then. No, the kids need me at home, and the gov't is helping out by paying me some small stipend while I'm staying at home. Yeah, okay, great. If you don't want to work, then quit bitching about me busting my ass to pay bills.

Anyway, I'm drinking a beer before I go down to the shops (nope gonna carry it with me and damn sure ain't going to leave it to get hot) when up drives 2 cop cars.

Now, what the fuck is going on here? They come up and arrest me for assault? WHAAAT? Hang on a sec, because I grabbed my wife's wrist, not even leaving a mark on her, and took the key away from her, that constitutes and assault, when her punching me several times in the back and biting me on the shoulder does NOT? Might as well been a yes answer, because my ass was the one that went to jail.

Jail for fathers day, finally go to court on the monday, and I'm out until sentencing. Tried to kill myself in the back of a cop car on the way to the jail house after they interviewed me and took me to the main jail, left me with a tape cassette and I broke it, giving it a good edge. They told me I wouldn't be seeing my kids for at least a month, said I might be lucky to get my clothes and see the kids, but would probably have to wait til all this had blow over. Well, wtf use is that? I spend all day at work, and then I get to go to a lonely house without seeing my kids at all for a month? Fuck it, on top of everything else, fuck this shit, I'm out of here, and you bastards can explain to my kids, wife, and especially my mom who lives over in the states, your reasoning for taking me into custody. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on that I'm the one taken into jail, and told I cannot return to my house, because you are able to judge me by speaking to me all of one time.

So, get home, wifey is apologizing out her ass, yeah. Didn't bother to come pick me up at the fucking court though, even though she knew when I'd be there. Didn't bother calling my mobile to see if I was alright, no...didn't know how I would feel. How the fuck am I suppose to feel? You send me to jail, and yet when I get home, there isn't a fucking mark on you anywhere, but I've still got a healing wound where you bit me? Yet, I get to spend the fucking night in jail? Yeah, how exactly am I suppose to feel that the one day I should be spending with my family and enjoying having the kids around, I'm in jail eating cold toast? I should be happy about this? I should just let this go because you are telling me you are going to change, that you will not be starting fights with me anymore because you know how much I hate it and the fighting in front of the kids? But its okay for them to witness dad being put in handcuffs and thrown in the back of a cop car, right?

Okay, you say you will change, you will open up, you will quit with the bullshit. Okay, I'll accep that...I'll forgive. Yet, two weeks later, what are you doing to me? Dragging me into more fights in front of the kids, hitting me, throwing shit in my face, and I'm suppose to be happy? And then you wonder why I'm grabbing the box cutter, a few beers, the George Strait cd and walking toward the car? Cause I'm fed up with it, I can't fucking take it anymore....I'm going insane, and you are pushing me there with this constantness of needing to be argumentative and abusive. But you don't see that, do you? All you see is me slipping further and further away. I wonder why?

Now another reconstruction, I'm stuck on my back, and yet you still bitch at me about not spending time with the kids, even though I'm under explicit doc instructions not to get the knee banged around or be lifting ANYTHING. What part of this did you miss, even when I explained it twice? How many times have you told me to get out after you started an argument and I've put it to you that you are the one doing this? How many times have I gone to leave, only to hear you cry to have me back? How many more times do I have to put up with it?

No, I just want to fucking die. I'm sick and tired of being treated worse than your dog, and much as it pains me, I'd rather be dead than move back to the states without the kids, or have to continue living with you just to see my kids. No, I want out and I want away. My life has been nothing but one total fuck up after another. The only two things I got right in this life are those two kids, who I love more than life itself.

Don't go, how much would you hurt the kids? You've asked me this and how many times do I have to tell you we are hurting them much worse with the fighting, but you DON'T listen at all.

No, I'm tired of thinking about you and how much you benefit by me being around. If you would just leave, then I'd be good to go with the kids. I'd take them back to the states where they would have two loving grandparents and I got friends to back me up. But you will not even let me have that here in Australia, will you? Nope, the minute I get friends, you get pissed off when I want to go out with them, and to stop the arguments, what do I do. Stay home and put up with you being pissed off all night because I dared to even think about leaving. I'm so sick of having to explain every little detail, of having to constantly have to put up with you either being pissed off with me on the puter or watching a damn car race, even though both kids were no where near you, but you still raised hell didn't you? Told me I better not be on the puter all day, again, when on average I spend maybe two hours total out of an entire day on it, and some hours in the night.

But it doesn't bother you that I'm on at night, because you don't want me in your fucking bed anyway do you? Haven't for quite some time now, since you got pregnant, and every time I breech the subject with you, you get pissed about it and come up with every dumb little excuse you can find. Sometimes I snore, sometimes I grit my teeth, sometimes I move too much and you can't sleep. But its quite alright for you to kick me in the nuts, smack me across the face and even go so far as to hit me, but I can't complain about that. Not once have I ever said anything to you about waking me out of a sound sleep by punching me in the face. I'm suppose to do that, right. Give and give and give, and you just take all you want. Well, I'm sick of it, I'm fed up with it. I want a divorce, and all you can say is, I'll never see the kids if that happens.

Well, fuck, I might as well be dead if I can't see the kids, and you aim to push me there. I'm dead inside to you now, after 5 years of putting up with this. I've prayed to God every night, asking him for some guidance, but nothing is forthcoming, except for divorce.

I look back on my life, and I always said, I wanted to find my soul mate...I think I failed to do that.

[Joshua Dyre]

woah. Zan. Mate if you need someone to talk to I'm hear to listen. Just don't do anything stupid.

Is there nothing you can do to sort things out?

[Zanafien]

My childhood was not the greatest by even the best strecth of the imagination. My dad was an alcholic that beat on my mom, and I swore I would never be like that son of a bitch, even if I had to put a gun to my head one day and pull the trigger, I would never allow it to happen. You bastard fuck, molested me when I was a kid, abused me by beating the shit out of me practically every day. A combination of physical, mental and verbal abuse, scum bucket bastard, and I asked myself what the hell I did in my short life at 8 years old to deserve it. Not one damn thing, but you still did it anyway, didn't you.

6 years old and you had divorced my mom, because you use to beat on her all the time, and then you wouldn't pay fucking child support to her you fuck, so my sis and I wind up having to live with your warped ass. The whole time I was saying to myself, if I would not be like you when I grew up even if that meant taking my own ass out of this world. I would not allow my children to suffer the shit you put me through, didn't matter if I had to kick down the gates of hell and fight the devil to make sure of it.

10 years old and you were beating me with a fucking 2x4 piece of wood, leaving my ass looking like one big mass of bruises and I couldn't sit for days at a time. When I got home, you told me not to lie to you, and I would look you in the eye and tell you the truth, only to wake up an hour or so later with a busted jaw and broke nose, if I was lucky. A real big man, weren't you dad? You could whip a 10 yo ass. Fuckwit.

As I got older, I tried to tell you a lie, to tell you what you wanted to hear, but that didn't do a bit of good either, did it? Nope, I'd still tote an ass whippin, and every time I got it in my mind I was going to resist this, Honor thy father and thy mother got in my way. And who would have believed me anyway? You were in the political arena, helping put a govenor in office, you had businesses...a pillar of the fucking community. Who would have believed a 13 yo kid? Nobody. The people at school, who turned their eyes to the bruises, the busted lips, the black eyes, a couple of words for you too. Get fucked. You bastards could have at least tried to help, but no, you turned a blind eye to it all, didn't you. What, were you scared of the bastard too? Probably.

I remember going to school late, after taking a rather severe ass whippin from my dad. I couldn't even see straight, was 15 years old, and could barely stand. I blacked out in the middle of the floor of the principals office, and what did you do. Not a fucking thing, and my step mother, what were you doing all this time? Watching on, not doing a damn thing and turning a blind eye to it all. Oh, what was it? You couldn't do anything? Yet, when he came after you one night to beat you up, you put a bullet through his shoulder, but you couldn't take up for us kids? You wouldn't even take up for your own flesh and blood, my half brother, who was retarded and didn't know what the fuck was going on in the world, yet you stand looking out the window as I was mowing the grass, and I hear Dad beating the hell outta him. You wouldn't do nothing, but at 15 I run my ass in there and slam dad and tote an ass whippin like I've never had before in my life. Spent a night in the hospital from that one and not one word of fucking thanks, not nothing.

After that, I started standing up to him. He could beat me, but leave my sis and my bro alone. I'm the oldest, take it out on me. Fuck it, no one is gonna believe any of it anyway, so lets have at it. You tried to have your way with my sis, tried to molest her, and who the fuck came in like a knight in not-so-shiny clothing to have his ass beat to hell and back. Not a single thank you, and the step mother just looked the other way. Then, we go down to the camp one night and you ask me if I want to go live with my mom.

HELL YES. I wanted nothing else to do with you or your sick fucking ways, I wanted out. But no, you were not going to let me get away that easy, were you? Nope, you wait until I got my back turned and you say something. I look, and your fucking holding a .357 S&W on me, saying I better reconsider. Fucked you up when I pulled that shotty out didn't it? Fucked you up even worse when I cocked the hammers back on that sawed-off double barrel twelve gauge and dared you to pull the trigger on that pistol, and we could both go. You wouldn't be able to fuck with anyone else then, would you? Not in this life. I would have died or went to jail, and I regret everyday I didn't pull both triggers on that bastard now, cause it would have saved my sister and half-brother a fucked up life too.

You didn't even know what my life was, did you? Didn't know that only a week before that, the girl I had fallen in love with had got killed, along with the baby she carried, did you. No, you were not in the least interested in my fucking life, nor did you realise it had driven me to the point I just didn't give a damn anymore. No, you thought I had grown a backbone. No, I'd just had enough. I was ready to end it all for myself, and taking your ass outta the world would have just been a bonus.

So yeah, moved up to my mom's, and shit, it was like heaven, but fuck I took advantage of it, and damned if I'm not sorry for it now. The past was still sitting on my shoulder like a monkey on my back, ya know, and shit, I just wanted it to go away. Drinking didn't do it, so yeah...what the fuck could I do. Finally made it through high school and wanted to get away, wanted to get away from everything. mom, stepdad, the lot of them. Needed some time to ease my mind.

[Zanafien]

Dude, I've been putting everything I got into this marriage for 5 years, my heart and soul. I've gone to marriage councilling, tried to get my wife to go, but what does she say? We got it all worked out? Got WHAT worked out? They we ain't compatable? She ain't even so much concerned about it.

In the mornings she is bitching me out about every fucking little detail she can possibly find, and in the evenings she is talking about us living together til we forty. I'm telling her SHE needs to be seeing the head wizard and not me if she can't see we got problems. But she reckons its all me, and I have all the problems.

So yeah...I don't see nothing being worked out. No, ain't gonna do anything stupid today...

[Faron]

Well, I'm sorry to hear that mate, but like I said, if you ever need to talk, I'm about and I'll listen. I've pm'd you my icq number. Use it if you ever feel low enough that you consider doing something stupid ok?

[Lenne]

I'm glad we've talked on Q now. Keeps ya busy from doing sumthin' stupid. I'll always be there to talk. *clings* ;>

[Xena]

I told myself after you told me of this thread that I would read it. I wasn't going to ever intrude by posting in it, but I've been looking for ya online and have been worried about you. Just wanted to let you know, in case icq messes up as usual and you don't get my messages when you're offline.

*kisses*

[Sylandra]

As I type this, my husband is sitting in the den typing love notes to some mustachioed unibrow troll across the country, who, by the way, is married and has NO plans to leave her husband, but still he is willing to toss me aside for some lie he has going with her.

And I would give anything in this fucking world to be hugged.

There is so much more but I can tell you I can relate and if you ever need someone to talk to, I am on icq. I listen very well. Dump. Sometimes just the talking makes ya feel batter.

[Murdock Pryor]

Wow......I knew nothing of any of this Zan.....I knew you were not allowed online very often, I learnt that a few ages back in RoD. I didn't know all this was going on. I knew about teh divorce but any of that other stuff that happened I knew nothing of. I am so sorry. I don't know how much of a friend you consider me over the past year or so. But man by all means if you need to talk gimme a shout on ICQ. And if you need more then that man I'm always around if you need to gimme a call to get me online or something. I can imagine it's not easy and really I'm here as well as Lenne, and we would be willing to sit and listen anytime you need, or just talk as friends.

Sylandra-I'm sorry to hear about you to, Gimme a shout on ICQ if you need sometime. I'm always around usually all day long on weekend and nights during the weekdays, I find that people here on TB are more of friends to me then anyone else that I even know. So by really either one of you can give me a shout.

[owly]

Your a stronger man than most to go through what you go through for you children sake

i pray you find better times