Short Story (Open for comments :D)

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Short Story (Open for comments :D)

Postby Porckie » Fri Oct 18, 2002 8:44 am

OOC: I wrote a short story!
I thought of this one when I was searching for a synonym for 'imitation/fake' :) Enjoy..(Oo..and gimme some feedback or something)
(It's untitled, because the only title I can think of would spoil the climax :P)

IC: (The story begins! :P)

" Abbot? "

" What is it this time, brother Matthew? "

The abbot sighed, rose from his desk and turned around to face the monk...

" Ehm.. sir? What is the Blessed Virgin doing there? "

The monk averted his eyes and pointed to a little statue that appeared to be dangling between the abbot's legs. The abbot blushed, he adjusted his robe, trying to hide the statue underneath his clothes. He wanted to kick himself, how could he have been so inattentive to let himself be caught? He had to think of something...

" The Blessed Virgin? Mary? What are you on about, brother Matthew? "

" I saw.. I saw her between your legs.. "

" It must have been a vision. "

" A vision? But I'm su.. "

" Sssht.. my son, you're seeing things, quite a religous endemic, really...
So...why did you come to see me? "

" The sickness has struck, sir! "

" What!? Big J must be against us! Who's the victim? "

" Me.. "

" Argh! You... soon the whole abbey will be infected! Show me! "

The monk lifted his cowl, reveiling a blonde shock of hair. The abbot ran his fingers impishly through the locks of hair.Inmeditaly he saw what he was looking for, there were little white pellets in this mans hair!

" This is bad.. real bad.. this must be the worst case of dandruff I've ever seen! "

" Dandruff!? Is it that bad? We must be doomed! They'll make martyrs out of us, I know it! Heaven, here I come! "

" Martyrs? Heaven? Those are just fairytales! There's but one thing we can do to avoid our upcomming deaths, brother.. "

" You mea.. "

" YES! Magic. "

Both the monks approached a nearby crucifex, hanging on the abbot's wall. The abbot laid his hands on cross-beam and pulled it down, this caused the wall to move backwards, reveiling a staircase. The monks made their way down to a the cellars, where they found a big cauldron. The abbot found a big book in a nearby cupboard and showed it to brother Matthew.

" There it is, a hairstyling potion! All we have to do is sing this song, throw all the ingredients in the pot and stir it with a wooden object. "

" We can use this ladle! "

Matthew picked up a large wooden spoon, and joined the abbot who was already flapping his arms. Making simultanious movements they danced around the kettle and began to chant...

[center] Droppings of cat
A bird upside down
A gnome, very brown
Smile, don't be sad[/center]

Both the monks were smiling rather akwardly and dropping cat's exrecements in the kettle. The gnome, who was very brown indeed, protested loudly, but a well aimed hit with a candle made the little man quiet. After dropping the imp in, they continued their chant..

[center] A french monsieur
A random piece of cattle
Now grab the ladle
And stir stir stir! [/center]

They dropped in two cows, one of them french and the other of their own stock. They both held the ladle and stated to stir. The potion inside the kettle started to change colours rapidly, as plumes of brown smoke started to fill the room.


There was a small explosion, which left the two monks flying through the room and hitting their heads against the wall. The smoke had disappeared, so had the potion... When Matthew and the abbot looked over the edge of the kettle they saw a little pile of brown substance. The abbot picked up the turt-shaped curd and handed it to brother Matthew...

" Rub this in your hair, Matthew. "

" In my hair? looks like khaka! "

The abbot forced Matthew by rubbing it in himself. And lo! something magical happened, the white pellets disappeared! They found a cure, a cure for dandruff, this would save millions lives...

" This is great! We should put this stuff in bottles and sell it for high prices! "

" Great idea! Selling spots in heaven doesn't leave us with much profit.. we'll do that.. now all we need is a fetching name... "

" Well.. it looks like poo.. how about imitation poo? "

" Hmm.. that won't do.. fetch me the Big Book of Synonyms! "

Matthew ran out of the cellar and returned with a very big book...

" A there it is.. the big book.. and people think it's the bible.. haha! Well.. lets see.. imitation..fake, cheat, humbug, simulacrum, cheat, sham.. "

" Sham... poo! That sounds pretty neat.. "

" We will name it SHAMPOO! "
Last edited by Anonymous on Sat Oct 19, 2002 2:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Voice Caile » Fri Oct 18, 2002 1:19 pm


Okay that was -really- amusing. I'm impressed ;)
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Postby _Nagash_ » Sat Oct 19, 2002 1:48 am

Congrats brother Porck!
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Postby Porckie » Sat Oct 19, 2002 3:36 am

Woohoo! thanking yuu, thanking yuu :P
Well..this is neat.. and here I was thinking no-one ever read my posts.. :P
I won a prize.. weee! Last one I won was 'worst icon in solo' two years ago I think :D
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Postby Bassilus » Sat Oct 19, 2002 6:11 am

Way to go Porckmans

Congrats mate
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Postby Isis » Sat Oct 19, 2002 8:28 pm

LOL LOL That was funny :P Good-o lol
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Postby Raknarak » Sat Oct 19, 2002 9:08 pm


That was very good. :)
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Postby Gili » Sat Oct 26, 2002 9:23 am

yup, that was funny. excellent work.
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Postby Natiska » Wed Jan 18, 2006 10:13 am


Yes, indeed. I enjoyed that very much.
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Postby Lady Maven » Thu Jan 19, 2006 2:46 am

LOL, story was quite funny.

And I hate to be the voice of dissension here ... but that has never stopped me before.

Your dialogue is excellent. Your imagry? All but non existant. Show me more. What sort of room were they in? What did the shampoo smell and feel like? Was the stairway down neat as a pin and oft used, or dusty and cobwebby, and smelling of old dark secrets?
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Postby Rhaine Saje » Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:31 am

Your story is entertaining, but like Lady Maven said, it's missing imagery. All in all, though, it's a good short story.
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