My Love Lost

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My Love Lost

Postby DeviusZwei » Tue May 26, 2009 9:46 pm

EDIT - This crappy poem is dedicated to the love i left in california

A perfect flower in a field of dry wheat,
I watered you, shielded you from the heat,
Together we grew, as one, in a trance,
Remember the time i taught you to dance?
We C-walked till the sun went down,
The smile on your face said u wanna get down,
We hid our love like Romeo and Juliet, secrets
we kept, love notes we wrote, now whats
this, the love is gone, it shriveled and died
my heart turned black when you lied,
even though last year i was in jail,
you waited for me like a trooper, hell,
i was a G and you were my sugar queen,
but now you burn my letters, forget me,
if only you could see inside of me,
see the love i have for yours truly,
id give anything to get you back, any cost
because i truly believe, you are my one true love, lost.
DeviusZwei, formerly known as Penis With Ears or PWE.
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Re: My Love Lost

Postby Gerien » Tue May 26, 2009 10:23 pm

the love i left in california


A perfect flower


Might that be a poppy?
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Re: My Love Lost

Postby DeviusZwei » Wed May 27, 2009 6:59 am

damn it gerien everytime i turn around ur turning my posts into quick one liners! not that i don't enjoy it all the same, its just not fair you always get the jump on me... just wait till you make a thread! lol
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Re: My Love Lost

Postby Porckie » Wed Jun 03, 2009 4:31 pm

Dunno if this was intended, but!

I like howwwww in the first few lines, the remembering lines, you have perfect rhime, then when you get frustrated, you lose the rhime (the love is gone, so is the rhime!), then in the last lines you have rhime again. Makes it seem as if you are relaxed at the start, get flustered in the middle and then cool down again. *nod, nod* good good. Now for a cheery poem.
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Re: My Love Lost

Postby owly » Wed Jun 03, 2009 4:55 pm

poems don't need to rhyme to be good
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Re: My Love Lost

Postby Porckie » Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:17 pm

Agreed, but playing around with rhyme, metre and alliteration can give a poem the edge it needs.
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Re: My Love Lost

Postby DeviusZwei » Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:21 pm

that was done mostly on purpose. thanks for the comments.
DeviusZwei, formerly known as Penis With Ears or PWE.
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