OOC: i dont really know what im doing here as ive never posted in this forum before so if i do something wrong let me know ill be happy to fix it. i only know that i want to let this out in any way i can. unfortunately i cant scream it out to the world in general as there are... complications that are at this time something that cannot be changed. i do not mind comments but please do not attack me based on your morality. im having enough trouble with this as it is. im sure there will be more, even if no-one reads them, as i have found that just writing it down helps to ease my pain. maybe this -is- my way of screaming it out for all to hear. i know this person is reading this though i dont know whether they will respond or not. she may be a little shy about this since she has never been a part of this community an most likely doesnt understand what this place has to offer.
IC: once again i wake to the sweet words of one who i miss so terribly. her voice echoes in my mind from an abyss of time that cannot dull the passion which that voice conveys. it is sad to me to think that such a connection as we have, something most people only ever dream of experiencing, should be blocked by obstacles so significant. the mountains and rivers between us are irrelevant as one mile is the same as ten thousand. but these things do not bother me, for if i could, and if you would have me do so, i would gladly travel those thousands of miles, on foot if need be, to find and hold you once again.
but these are not the obstacles of which i speak. nay that of which i speak is far more indomitable. the obstacles of conscience and betrayal, lies and deceit, these are far more difficult to overcome than mere blowing dust and running water. i wonder that someday we should be together again. but my heart does not understand the word "someday". it only understands that without you it is in pain. no matter what the obstacles, -that- will remain until the day when those obstacles have been torn down and i have you in my arms once again.
there is nothing more agonizing than the thought of waiting twenty years to hold you, only to have my life depart before i set eyes upon you again. to be laying upon my bed, my breathing shallow and my pulse thready, with thoughts of what could have been flashing through my mind, teasing me with promises of happines that are snatched away and then hinted at but never revealed.
a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek as i close my eyes trying to block out the thought of such a horrible fate.
let us not speak of "maybes" and "possibilities", for these do not dampen the pain, they simply sharpen its blade to a razors edge. let there be no question as to what will happen, let there only be the question of when, not if, and my heart will rest in peace until that day comes.
you have my heart my lady. without question or reservation. i remain yours for as long as air fills my lungs. i hope and pray that that is long enough.