anonymous

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anonymous

Postby Necro99 » Wed Aug 09, 2006 9:12 pm

OOC: i dont really know what im doing here as ive never posted in this forum before so if i do something wrong let me know ill be happy to fix it. i only know that i want to let this out in any way i can. unfortunately i cant scream it out to the world in general as there are... complications that are at this time something that cannot be changed. i do not mind comments but please do not attack me based on your morality. im having enough trouble with this as it is. im sure there will be more, even if no-one reads them, as i have found that just writing it down helps to ease my pain. maybe this -is- my way of screaming it out for all to hear. i know this person is reading this though i dont know whether they will respond or not. she may be a little shy about this since she has never been a part of this community an most likely doesnt understand what this place has to offer.

IC: once again i wake to the sweet words of one who i miss so terribly. her voice echoes in my mind from an abyss of time that cannot dull the passion which that voice conveys. it is sad to me to think that such a connection as we have, something most people only ever dream of experiencing, should be blocked by obstacles so significant. the mountains and rivers between us are irrelevant as one mile is the same as ten thousand. but these things do not bother me, for if i could, and if you would have me do so, i would gladly travel those thousands of miles, on foot if need be, to find and hold you once again.

but these are not the obstacles of which i speak. nay that of which i speak is far more indomitable. the obstacles of conscience and betrayal, lies and deceit, these are far more difficult to overcome than mere blowing dust and running water. i wonder that someday we should be together again. but my heart does not understand the word "someday". it only understands that without you it is in pain. no matter what the obstacles, -that- will remain until the day when those obstacles have been torn down and i have you in my arms once again.

there is nothing more agonizing than the thought of waiting twenty years to hold you, only to have my life depart before i set eyes upon you again. to be laying upon my bed, my breathing shallow and my pulse thready, with thoughts of what could have been flashing through my mind, teasing me with promises of happines that are snatched away and then hinted at but never revealed.

a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek as i close my eyes trying to block out the thought of such a horrible fate.

let us not speak of "maybes" and "possibilities", for these do not dampen the pain, they simply sharpen its blade to a razors edge. let there be no question as to what will happen, let there only be the question of when, not if, and my heart will rest in peace until that day comes.

you have my heart my lady. without question or reservation. i remain yours for as long as air fills my lungs. i hope and pray that that is long enough.
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Postby girl824 » Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:04 am

I cannot walk tonight, and my heart has been in my throat for 4 days. I could never have imagined the rush of emotions that keep sweeping through me. Pleasure... more intense than any I have ever felt, followed by the most horrific pain. To be so close to happiness, but yet so far from the realization of it. My world has come crashing down around me, and I've spent the past few hours trying to come to terms with this affliction. I cried when I read it... when I realized that you were telling the world about me... I layed my head down and sobbed.

I cannot respond so eloquently. My thoughts will not form, and I cannot put them onto the page the way I want to. Physical distance is frustrating yes, but not as much as the obstacles of which he speaks.

I am torn between the life I have, and the life I want to have. We have 1500 miles, and 6 years between us now, and an unknown length of time until this pain can be resolved. I have lost control of my body, and my heart, and anything I type here cannot do justice to what I feel.

I am lost within my own soul, and floating between what could be, and what is.

Yes... I do Love you.
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Postby Necro99 » Thu Aug 10, 2006 2:03 am

"Yes... I do Love you."

these words are more beautiful than any others ive seen. a single ray of light brightening my otherwise dark and lonely world. if said by another they would be empty and meaningless. but from you they are the sounds of heaven. if there truly is such a place, i would imagine it to be near you.

the ignorance of youth is to blame. one of those things that make you look back and wonder what it is that we thought we could find. i feel as though i had found a rock and tossed it aside thinking it was nothing more than another stone, indifferent and bored. just like so many that ive seen and held before. then finding out that in reality it was a diamond. uncut and rough. but made specially for me. in my innocence i lost it, not knowing what i had. and now it is cut, and polished, and set in gold, beautiful like no other... and out of reach.

so far out of reach.

regret is a nasty emotion. one that gnaws at your soul and tears at your heart. but worst of all is the inability to change what has transpired. i have done a lot of stupid things in my life. but for the most part i wouldnt change any of them. mistakes are learning experiences that we all must face. each one makes you stronger. each one is supposed to teach you something. the only thing this mistake has taught me is pain. for the first time in my life, i wish i could go back and change just one day. maybe even just one moment.

i wonder. would things have changed?
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Postby girl824 » Thu Aug 10, 2006 2:51 am

I don't know if things would have been different. I was stubborn, and thought I knew what I wanted. I didn't realize that what I wanted was right in front of me, and I moved on, searching for something else. I now have the other things that I wanted, but the price was losing you.

Maybe things worked out this way so that when we do find each other again, we will know better than to ever let it go again. Years of longing have made me realize how much I need you. If our goodbye then had not happened as such, I don't think the passion would be this intense. We might have taken things for granted, and fought, and let young foolishness and pride destroy it. We were both impulsive at the time, and a small dicord could have made us throw our hands up and walk away.

Now the reality of choices I've made is bearing down again. I have some difficult things to do. Things that will hurt, both myself and others, but if I don't do them, I will never be happy. This will take time, and a lot of healing, before I will feel whole again.

But if the end means having you... I can handle it. I just need some time, and strength.
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Anonymous

Postby girl824 » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:57 pm

So what’s next? I have taken care of the difficult part, and the cell bars behind which I have been trapped have been bent, and my soul is free. But still incomplete. The waiting will be agonizing, no matter how long or short it is. I just can’t seem to stand every minute that I am still away from you, and there are many more to go before your arms are around me again.

Until then, I will continue to melt at the sound of your voice on the other end of the phone, and I will continue to cry myself to sleep, wanting nothing more than to have you sleeping beside me.

But it will happen, and I know that it will all be worth the risk in the end.
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Postby Necro99 » Thu Aug 24, 2006 2:31 pm

then is there really any risk involved? the real risk was that of inaction and indecisiveness. these risks are now behind us, all of my thoughts of the possibilities of the future are centered around a common thread. that whatever the future holds there is one constant. you. whatever is to come will be shared by us both. not by word or by law for these things are simply someone elses opinion of what is right, but by us knowing that there is no-one else we would rather spend our short time in this world with. there is no-one else who could possibly accept me for who and what i am, who would see my flaws not as imperfections but as all the little pieces that make me who i am.

you make me feel special. like you can see inside of me and that what you see is something to be treasured. i only hope that i can make you as happy as youve made me. even your slightest smile has always made me feel good. but im not truly happy yet. i can feel its fringes lightly brushing me, but i will be unsatisfied until i can look into your eyes and know that you are truly happy. that will make me feel as though i deserve what youve done for me.

here and now i make you a promise. that i will spend my life earning you.
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Postby girl824 » Sat Aug 26, 2006 4:17 am

I have already said it, but you don't have to earn my love... you already have it. You've had it for 6 years, since the day you left. The day that I realized I didn't want you to go... but it was too late. You hugged me, and said goodbye, and when you turned around, my eyes filled with tears, and within seconds, you were gone.

I still have to see the car that took you away, several days a week, and it sounds foolish, but everytime I see it, I can't help but think of that day. And I have always thought that I would never see you again. There were one or two phone conversations, and some friends would give me updates when they heard from you. And then the updates came less and less. Then they stopped. You were gone, but I just couldn't forget you.

And after this long, I couldn't take it anymore, and had to try and find you. And I did. And I now I have your love as well, but am still not sated. I still can't have you... and it hurts.
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