the needle stings

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the needle stings

Postby Dreamskull » Tue Jan 17, 2006 6:54 pm

here are 2 poems i wrote....feedback would be appreciated.

Epiphany

Just a little taste you need
A little hole from which you bleed
A little sting removes the pain
In the gutter you lay again

The night is spent in a complete daze
the lights in the dark hidden in haze
The happiness fake, the pain hidden shallow
the pride left over receives a blow

All of a sudden your mind is clear
You don't want to lose what you hold dear
Like a grain of sand through an hourglass
You fear this epiphany simply won't last

Run as fast as you possibly can
Run and bump into woman and man
Trying to find a place you don't know
A place to shield you from what you fear so

"Get outta 'ere" is screamed your way
You stop a moment and start to sway
Drop to your knees with a stunned look in your eye
Hands to your face as you start to cry.

Nobody knows what you're doing here
With a short gasp you show your fear
Needle and spoon come out with a thought
The feeling of bliss again is wrought


The Price of a Dream

The needle stings
his smile brightens
his knees stop shaking
the burden lightened

Walking on a cloud
all is well
when he comes down
hes back in hell

He coughs and chokes
then cries a little
The price of his dream
Takes the form of a needle

The price of a dream
is different to all
Like a flight without wings
and a great big fall

A man on the streets
drowns in cheap liquor
his only possession
an unframed picture

He holds it tight to his chest
and thinks of lost love
a great feeling of guilt
and a tear drop on his glove

He looks back to his past
haunted by regret
the price of his dream
was a choice he can't forget

The price of a dream
is different to all
Like a flight without wings
and a great big fall

The life of a man, is full of flights
wings that waiver, struggle for height
you close your eyes and start to fall
and all you wish for is death to all.
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Postby Argylas » Thu Jan 26, 2006 9:45 am

The first poem is not bad, but the second one is much better in my opinion. Poetry is not only about rhymes and word choice. It is about images, ideas, feelings. Rhymes and rhythm are just tools to convey them, sometimes they are even redundant. The imagry used in the second poem is much, much better. Keep up the good work and continue to write. Even in an art form such as poetry practice makes perfect.

And a word of advice. I don't know if it will be of any help to you, but i try to make each of my poems as snapshot of a certain feeling i am experiencing in a given moment. It makes the poem much more sincere, alive and focused. Hope i've been of some help.
Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky
Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry
Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery
He hears the silence so loud
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