The following story is one that I am writing for my creative writing class in college. I am in need of some input as to what you think about it structure wise and so forth. I will add to this post as the story develops. Any changes that are made will be highlighted in yellow as will any additions to dialogue or discription.
Anyway, here goes:
Not Titled Yet
Jim Brennan knew he had them - today was his day to shine. Three weeks ago he had been given the Leighton account. Leighton Pharmaceuticals had been represented by Alfred Hodges for years, then Alfred retired. Niles Gregory, the Old Man as his employees called him – but never to his face, had tapped Jim for the account. Three weeks of planning, late nights at the office, long dinner and lunch meetings with the Public Relations people for the company; Jim had come up with a stellar marketing campaign for their new drug VitalisRD.
Gwen of course hadn’t understood the opportunity. Leighton Pharmaceuticals! Spend more time with us. Pay more attention to your son, pay more attention to me - your never home. He had heard it all before, the nagging and crying. He was doing what he could for the family, wasn’t he bringing home a hefty paycheck? So he missed a few things with Brendan. Jim was looking to the future, all their futures.
He checked again to make sure that his presentation was loaded up on the computer, that the handouts were all complete and neatly stacked within easy reach so that he could hand them out without having to stop and dig through them to get the right ones. He straightened his tie one last time, rubbed his clammy hands together and then turned to face the room. The Leighton Pharmaceuticals Executive Board were arrayed before him, waiting to be dazzled.
Then there was a knock at the conference door. He waited while his assistant Marci opened the door. Someone whispered outside and his assistant waved him to the back.
“Excuse me gentlemen, this will only take a moment.†Jim said as he made his way to the door.
“I don’t have time for this Marci.â€Â
“It’s your wife, she says its importa-“
“Everything is important to Gwen.†Jim said. “Tell her I will call her back in a while.â€Â
“But Mr. Brennan it’s about your son Brendan; there has been an accident.â€Â
Jim pushed past his assistant Marci and over to the secretary’s desk that stood just outside the conference room.
“I’m sorry Mr. Brennan but your wife had to go. She said that they would be at Children’s Hospital and for you to get there as soon as possible. She was calling from the Emergency room.†The secretary said.
“Did she say anything else?â€Â
“No sir. Just, well, that you needed to come quickly.â€Â
Jim leaned against the desk, a sigh of frustration expelled from him. It’s probably just Gwen overreacting again he thought. It’s like the time last year when Brendan fell from the tree and bruised his right arm.
“Ok, contact the hospital for me and let my wife know that I will be there as soon as possible.†Said Jim as he stood up and turned back to the conference room. “Tell her not to worry.â€Â
He paused in front of the door, rechecked his tie, then put that Brennan Smile back on his face and opened the door.
“Sorry for the interruption, lets begin…â€Â
Suggestions and Comments Please
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by Bran » Tue Aug 24, 2004 9:10 pm
Ok, here is a little character sketch/plot direction
Jim Brennan is an up and coming ad executive who has been married for 10 years to his college sweetheart Gwen Little. They have one son named Tyler who is 8 years old. Jim works a lot and is rarely home before Tyler is in bed. He and Gwen are like ships in the night – passing each other but not communicating. Jim has been spending more and more time at work and has even contemplated an office romance.
Gwen Little Brennan works as a teacher of English at the Junior High School. She is a devoted mother and wife. She is a lonely woman who spends much of her time with Tyler and the rest of the time alone. She has her suspicions about Jim but knows that he has not acted on his desires even if he has thought about it. She resents the time her husband devotes to his job and feels that his job has become more important than her and Tyler.
Jim Brennan is a handsome man with raven black hair, a strong jaw and a rugged build. He tends to focus on one thing at a time to the exclusion of everything else, including his family. His rise in the company he works for has been fast, if not meteoric. He feels that Gwen tends to overreact. He considers her to be worrisome and somewhat of a nag. He also feels that she does not take care of herself like she should, he spends at least 5 hours a week at the gym.
Gwen Brennan is a beautiful woman. She is mainly concerned about looking professional at work and upon getting home she throws on a pair of comfortable jeans and a t-shirt. She is not a slouch. She works at the school full-time, does all of the household chores and takes care of Tyler. Many nights she has fixed a nice family meal and had to put leftovers in the refrigerator because Jim has not come home in time to eat with her and Tyler. She fears that her marriage is falling apart and has even visited with her pastor, Brother George Wells, about marriage and so forth. She is a devout Christian.
Tyler Brennan is your typical 8-yr old. He is intelligent and curious most of the time. He feels sad for his mother because he senses that she is not happy, and that she is lonely. He often tries to make excuses for his father not keeping his promises to be home earlier or that he will make it Tyler’s next ball game. He has many friends and spends a lot of time at the neighbor’s house where his best friend Daniel Swatson lives. At the beginning of the story Tyler has been hit by a car while crossing the street from the school bus to Daniel’s house where he spends most afternoons until his mother gets home.
Brother George Wells is a pastor at the Highland Methodist Church where the Brennan’s attend. He has known the Brennan Family for many years, especially Gwen as it is the church that her family attended as she was growing up. He knows from his conversations with Gwen that her soul is troubled by the relationship between her and Jim deteriorating. He is at the hospital when Jim arrives and acts as a voice of calm between Gwen and Jim. He is the person that Jim goes to see later in the story as his faith in God is renewed and his faith in his marriage is restored, or rather he is given a glimpse into what he has been missing.
Jim Brennan must wrestle with who he is. He questions his own motives towards his family and his job. I think that the internal conflict between Jim as the mercenary looking for money and Jim the family man is very important and it is reflected in his external dealings with Gwen. It is the realignment of what is important in his life that forces him to take a long look at his own behavior and decide to make some changes in his own life. He gives the all-important Leighton Account to another and argues with his boss about when he will be returning.
Gwen reacts very angrily to Jim when he arrives at the Hospital and truly feels for the first time that he has abandoned not only her but also their son. She won’t even allow him into Tyler’s room and pushes him violently away – at which point Brother George steps in and comforts here and asks Jim to return later. It is Albert Swatson who takes him from the hospital and talks to Jim, during the course of the conversation Jim realizes that he doesn’t really know his son.
Jim returns to his house and sits in Tyler’s room. He picks up various items and wonders at all that he is not a part of. He decides that he cannot go another day without rectifying the situation, resolving his life in such a manner that shows he truly values what he has. With his decision made, Jim calls his boss and tells him that he can no longer handle the Leighton account. The Old Man blusters and argues back and forth, at which time Jim tells him to just forget it if that’s his attitude for a friend and employee whose son is in the hospital in a coma then he can keep his job.
Jim returns to the hospital and confronts Gwen with the truths that he has discovered about himself and his life - the fact that he wants her and Tyler in his life and that he has been a fool long enough. Gwen is of course skeptical but encouraged by his honest and sincere display and Brother George’s encouragement she agrees to try. The story will end with Jim at the bedside of Tyler.
Tyler comes out of the coma to see Jim holding his hand and crying. It is an emotional moment and that is how the story will wrap up – with endless possibilities before them all, knowing that it will not be easy but that it will be rewarding.
Jim Brennan is an up and coming ad executive who has been married for 10 years to his college sweetheart Gwen Little. They have one son named Tyler who is 8 years old. Jim works a lot and is rarely home before Tyler is in bed. He and Gwen are like ships in the night – passing each other but not communicating. Jim has been spending more and more time at work and has even contemplated an office romance.
Gwen Little Brennan works as a teacher of English at the Junior High School. She is a devoted mother and wife. She is a lonely woman who spends much of her time with Tyler and the rest of the time alone. She has her suspicions about Jim but knows that he has not acted on his desires even if he has thought about it. She resents the time her husband devotes to his job and feels that his job has become more important than her and Tyler.
Jim Brennan is a handsome man with raven black hair, a strong jaw and a rugged build. He tends to focus on one thing at a time to the exclusion of everything else, including his family. His rise in the company he works for has been fast, if not meteoric. He feels that Gwen tends to overreact. He considers her to be worrisome and somewhat of a nag. He also feels that she does not take care of herself like she should, he spends at least 5 hours a week at the gym.
Gwen Brennan is a beautiful woman. She is mainly concerned about looking professional at work and upon getting home she throws on a pair of comfortable jeans and a t-shirt. She is not a slouch. She works at the school full-time, does all of the household chores and takes care of Tyler. Many nights she has fixed a nice family meal and had to put leftovers in the refrigerator because Jim has not come home in time to eat with her and Tyler. She fears that her marriage is falling apart and has even visited with her pastor, Brother George Wells, about marriage and so forth. She is a devout Christian.
Tyler Brennan is your typical 8-yr old. He is intelligent and curious most of the time. He feels sad for his mother because he senses that she is not happy, and that she is lonely. He often tries to make excuses for his father not keeping his promises to be home earlier or that he will make it Tyler’s next ball game. He has many friends and spends a lot of time at the neighbor’s house where his best friend Daniel Swatson lives. At the beginning of the story Tyler has been hit by a car while crossing the street from the school bus to Daniel’s house where he spends most afternoons until his mother gets home.
Brother George Wells is a pastor at the Highland Methodist Church where the Brennan’s attend. He has known the Brennan Family for many years, especially Gwen as it is the church that her family attended as she was growing up. He knows from his conversations with Gwen that her soul is troubled by the relationship between her and Jim deteriorating. He is at the hospital when Jim arrives and acts as a voice of calm between Gwen and Jim. He is the person that Jim goes to see later in the story as his faith in God is renewed and his faith in his marriage is restored, or rather he is given a glimpse into what he has been missing.
Jim Brennan must wrestle with who he is. He questions his own motives towards his family and his job. I think that the internal conflict between Jim as the mercenary looking for money and Jim the family man is very important and it is reflected in his external dealings with Gwen. It is the realignment of what is important in his life that forces him to take a long look at his own behavior and decide to make some changes in his own life. He gives the all-important Leighton Account to another and argues with his boss about when he will be returning.
Gwen reacts very angrily to Jim when he arrives at the Hospital and truly feels for the first time that he has abandoned not only her but also their son. She won’t even allow him into Tyler’s room and pushes him violently away – at which point Brother George steps in and comforts here and asks Jim to return later. It is Albert Swatson who takes him from the hospital and talks to Jim, during the course of the conversation Jim realizes that he doesn’t really know his son.
Jim returns to his house and sits in Tyler’s room. He picks up various items and wonders at all that he is not a part of. He decides that he cannot go another day without rectifying the situation, resolving his life in such a manner that shows he truly values what he has. With his decision made, Jim calls his boss and tells him that he can no longer handle the Leighton account. The Old Man blusters and argues back and forth, at which time Jim tells him to just forget it if that’s his attitude for a friend and employee whose son is in the hospital in a coma then he can keep his job.
Jim returns to the hospital and confronts Gwen with the truths that he has discovered about himself and his life - the fact that he wants her and Tyler in his life and that he has been a fool long enough. Gwen is of course skeptical but encouraged by his honest and sincere display and Brother George’s encouragement she agrees to try. The story will end with Jim at the bedside of Tyler.
Tyler comes out of the coma to see Jim holding his hand and crying. It is an emotional moment and that is how the story will wrap up – with endless possibilities before them all, knowing that it will not be easy but that it will be rewarding.
"fortes fortuna adiuvat"
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Bran - Traveler
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