Smoke (Comments Welcome)

[Kaishi]

Just something I wrote up, comments welcome and appreciated.

The pungent aroma of clove filled the air as a pair of reddened lips wrapped themselves around the butt of the cigarette, drawing tightly together as a wisp of smoke fluttered into the air. Fingers, tipped in the same red as the lips, wrapped around the butt of the cigarette as the woman pulled it from her mouth, lips parting slightly to allow smoke to escape from its confines. The look in her delicate almond shaped eyes could almost be described as bored, and her attention was focued almost entirely upon the cigarette in her hands, the filter slowly becoming more yellow with every one of her measured, patient inhalations. She inhaled again, the crackle of the black paper temporaily drowning out the man before her.

"What th' fuck you doin' with my money, bitch?" The greasy, pallid man before her demanded. Two pools of brown focused on him as she blew the smoke out, directing it in his face.

"Sumimasen." She apologized, her voice very soft and thickly accented.

"Don't ya give me any o' that jap talk, whore." The man hissed, spittle forming at the corners of his mouth. A slight hint of a smile twitched at the woman's mouth as she shrugged, once more showing her indifference to the man and his rantings. "I'm payin' ya good money to take out O'Malley!"

She merely nodded, her eyes never leaving his face. Deliberately, she brought the cigarette back up to her lips and inhaled once more, filling her nostrils with the sweet aroma. Her other hand remained in the pocket of her long trench coat.

"Don't forget you whore, you came to me for the fuckin' job. I didn't go lookin' for you." The man's short stature and olive complexion gave away his Italian heritage, but at this point, the woman didn't care. Her attention was focused once again on the smoke that rose from her cigarette into the cool November air. She shrugged slightly, the short bob of her jet hair moving slightly with her motion.

"Did you hear me? Answer me when I fuckin' talk to you!" The man demaned. This time, the cigarette was pulled away from her lips and she quickly darted forth, pressing her lips against his in a mock kiss. The smoke from her cigarette surrounded his head, clouding his vision. Her hand which had been resting in the trench coat darted out, and a syringe filled with a clear liquid was emptied into the back of his neck.

She pulled away, and her expression remained the same as the man's eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he slumped to the ground. Casually, she flicked the smoldering cigarette down, watching as it landed on his stomach. One stilleto heeled boot came down on the cigarette, grinding it into the man's stomach.

"Fuck you too." She commented, all traces of her accent gone. Without a glance back, she walked away, humming quietly.

[dustdevil]

Overall I like it, very well down. My one critisism would be to do with word choice and repetition.

The pungent aroma of clove filled the air as a pair of reddened lips wrapped themselves around the butt of the cigarette, drawing tightly together as a wisp of smoke fluttered into the air. Fingers, tipped in the same red as the lips, wrapped around the butt of the cigarette as the woman pulled it from her mouth, lips parting slightly to allow smoke to escape from its confines. The look in her delicate almond shaped eyes could almost be described as bored, and her attention was focued almost entirely upon the cigarette in her hands, the filter slowly becoming more yellow with every one of her measured, patient inhalations. She inhaled again, the crackle of the black paper temporaily drowning out the man before her.

In the first three sentences you use the following words a little too much:

lips - 3 times
butt - 2 times
cigarette - 3 times
smoke - 2 times

My general rule of thumb is to avoid using the same word twice in a paragraph (of course, I'm talking about non-basic words here). Sometimes its unavoidable, but the creative use of a thesaurus usually helps. Plus if you're actively trying to avoid repeating simple words, you often end up throwing in some interesting descriptions to circumvent the repetition.

I know this sounds anal, but the repetition really stands out in this case, and isn't all that hard to work around. Other than that though, excellent job.

[Voice Caile]

The general content of the piece is well done. The disdain shows fairly well and you get enough about the character to know that her going to the man for a job is out of character enough that it makes you wonder why until the last few lines when it becomes a lot more clear.

All in all fairly well done. It could definitely support more pieces about the character.