TNE Corporate Office (Tavern Thread)

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TNE Corporate Office (Tavern Thread)

Postby Corporate Elf » Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:32 pm

April 19, 2006

Memorandum regarding clobber production and quality control

Recently, it has come to the attention of TNE managerial staff that the production of clobber has decreased significantly with the new changes to the guild rules. It seems that, with the limitation of turns, TNE members are forced to make a hard choice. They can either spend their precious turns building, warring, or producing clobber. Unfortunately, it seems that many of you are choosing to ignore your duties for the betterment of your own kingdoms. TNE has thought long and hard over their options. Accordingly, some changes have been made.

It is with a heavy heart that we regretfully inform you that clobber production has been subcontracted by an outside firm. TKE INC (web page: http://www.keebler.com/promotions/magicbythemillion) has been making quality products for years and has offered TNE a lucrative clobber production deal. We had no choice but to accept.

Your attentive leader Virch, hereafter referred to only as That Rat-Bastard, isn’t without understanding. He knows that clobber is very much a part of some members lives. With that in mind, the contract is very limited in duration. If the guild shows a marked increase in production within the following quarter, That Rat-Bastard has agreed to return all clobber production rights to the capable hands of the guild.

Please feel free to contact That Rat-Bastard with any questions. His home phone number can be conveniently located in most areas that are conducive to clobber manufacture.

Sincerely,

Unofficial Press Secretary for TNE/TKE inc

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Postby Sleepy the Dwarf » Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:09 pm

I don't know how to make Clobber®, but I'm willing to.................

*thump*

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Postby Virch » Thu Apr 20, 2006 3:13 am

The corporate office was a special place for Virch, where he did most of the managing for tne. Always proud was he as he entered the long hall that lead to the spacious corner office. He often paused to straighten the employee of the month pictures that lined the long hallway. There always seamed to be one or two a slight bit off center. He recalled Torkano's remark,"Virch, don’t you think someone else besides you should actually win this award every once in awhile" He still remembered the crooked grin as he responded to young Torkano, "nope, always got to give them something to shoot for" As the memory faded he sat down behind the oak desk and it was clear to anyone that would have been watching, concern echoed on his brow.

See, Virch never really trusted them elves, con artist all of them. Especially them cookie dough cutting, chocolate sprinkling, the sky is always sunny elves. Nope, Virch knew he had made a mistake not going with the underpants gnomes. Now there lays a breed above contempt, honest to the core he thought. it was so unfortunate there bid was a few dollars higher and one thing Virch could not resist was a deal.

He rang his assistant Mr. surge, the reply was swift" yes Mr. rat bastard, I mean, yes sir". He asked surge if all members had returned for the new age and if they would all be on time for their random clobber screenings. There was one thing he hated most of all and that was an employee dipping into the clobber at the company’s expense.
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Postby Torkano » Thu Apr 20, 2006 7:30 am

Torkano was having his usual Clobber® power shake when he heard the news being shouted from the town crier.

TNE's Clobber® production outsourced to the Keeblers®. Read all about it in today's "The Daily Clobber®".

Torkano nearly choked on his drink. A look of horror littered his face. This better not affect the taste, he thought to himself. He put on his Clobber® polished shoes and ran into the streets and mugged the crier to read the details of this transaction. He thought for a moment...

What would Tolvaj do?

Tolvaj was the inventer of the potent, versatile product. He would know what to do. Virch must have been desperate to do this. We can't have low production rates as the demand is too high. The only temporary fix is to get outside help, but the Keeblers®? Who knows what those crazy elves would do to the Clobber®? What kind of ingredients they'd add? We'll have to plant spies in their factories and head office buildings to keep an eye on them. He went to Virch to propose his idea.
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Postby Sleepy the Dwarf » Thu Apr 20, 2006 7:38 am

Sleepy was resting peacefully in the middle of the walkway when Torkano tripped over him while trying to run by. Poor Sleepy was awaken to a Clobber® polished shoe in his face. He followed the long leg (long to him since he was so short) to the face of Torkano.

"So sorry, Mr. Torkano. I must have fallen alseep. I heard something about the Clobber® woes and I must of passed out", yawned Sleepy.

"That's quite alright, I should've paid better attention. Hey, do you have some time?", asked Tork.

"Why, yes I do", answered Sleepy.

"Great, Followed me", commanded Torkano.
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Postby Underpants Gnome #2 » Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:09 am

"Damn Keebler Elves stealing our contract. Just because they work in a fucking magic tree they can cut costs. We Gnomes will fix their bare asses."

Underpants Gnome #2 chuckles at his own inside joke. How sad for him.

"We know more about where clobber comes from. We've stolen the panties that housed some. We've even cleverly came up with our own special uses. OH THOSE WRETCHED ELVES!"

Number two takes a recent conquest out of his pocket and takes a sniff.

"OH! Clobber. I can use this."

Underpants Gnome #2 took off with excitement.
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Postby Fo » Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:34 am

As Fo sits at his desk, pandemonium is breaking out in the hallway outside. Some crisis is breaking out, but Fo is unaware.

Connected to the sub-ether-inter-magical-sphere he was busy playing a fantasy game with the other magical users of Tonan. In this game you play in a world without magic or clober. It is set in a mystical land called Earth. So instead of magic they have technology. For example instead of Dragons you attacked with things called Tanks.

Sitting in the corner of his desk is a piece of paper that has sat there for 3 weeks. It is the purchase order of the clobber tests. It awaits a simple signature. It is ignored.

Fo continues to focus on the game, unaware of what he was supposed to be doing...
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Postby Corporate Elf » Thu Apr 20, 2006 8:40 pm

April 20, 2006

Memorandum: Unhappy Workers and Dissention

It has come to our attention that several of TNE’s members are unhappy with the new clobber production policies. We here at TNE/TKE understand that new changes often bring unhappiness and fear. Once again we would like to refer you to The Rat-Bastard for any questions and concerns that you may have.

We, the shortest and least likely to get laid of all the faerie folk, understand unhappiness and sympathize with your plight. We feel we must address the actions of the dissident, terrorist sect of TNE. It appears that shortly after last nights announcement, several of TNE’s members broke into the basement of The Magic Tree tm where, as some of you are aware, the clobber vaults are temporarily located.

These members, calling themselves ENT made off with several barrels of aging clobber. It appears that during their escape, they were interrupted by Nobby, our night watchman currently on loan from another employer. Nobby attempted to stop the intruders, and his valiant efforts were rewarded with a full body clobber emersion. As Nobby was gasping for air, another heinous act was preformed by a perpetrator calling himself “Underpants Gnome”. It seems this deviant, placed a pair of clobber soaked undergarments in Nobby’s mouth. This act simultaneously caused severe mental damage to Nobby and freed him from his employment contract. It appears that with his new found freedom and mental disorder he has chosen to join the dissident ENT.

These acts cannot go unpunished. We are sincerely sorry for the steps we are forced to take to prevent further criminal acts. We realize that innocent TNE members are going to suffer for the acts of one crazed group.

With that being said, we are announcing our intent to ration the remaining clobber. Until further notice, each member of TNE will be issued a voucher for one ounce of clobber (in liquid form) or one square inch of clobber (in its more potent semi-solid form) per week. You will present your vouchers at the main entrance of The Magic Tree tm on Mondays or Thursdays from noon to two p.m. Picture identification will be required. No members of ENT will be issued vouchers. Black market clobber sales will be punished to the full extent of the law.

Sincerely,

Ernie

Unofficial Press Secretary for TNE/TKE inc

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Postby Crackhead » Thu Apr 20, 2006 10:14 pm

Hey let me getz somez of that clobber
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Postby Dark Smifflen » Thu Apr 20, 2006 11:27 pm

Shoot dirrty ... you don't need no clobber.... just red balls mannnn .. it'll get ya high. Don't let those evil TNE guys get you hooked on clobber.... if you think about what's in that stuff ..... *shudders*
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Postby Mo Fo » Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:45 am

Yo... corporate elf biznitch... we at ENT are not going to be sucking at your corporate tit for our damn Clobber.

We take what is ours and slap the hoes.
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Postby Mentos » Fri Apr 21, 2006 10:08 am

Mentos was wondering where he should go to look for the clobber in the magic tree. He split off from the other ENT members so they could cover more ground.

"Damn this place is awfully big inside for a tree that looks small on the outside."

He thought to himself, "What would Maintos do? I'll do the opposite."

He then quickly ran down the steps to the basement. On the wall, were signs that said "TNE's Special Clobber® this way" with an arrow pointing in the direction down the middle corridor.

Mentos chuckled to himself, "Stupid elves."

He made in down the corridor and was met by the rest of the ENTs and some of the Underpants Gnomes.
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Postby Birch » Fri Apr 21, 2006 10:10 am

Birch stood outside about 100 yards down the pass from the magic tree having a smoke as he usually does around this time. He was waiting for the ENT boys to finish with "The Mission." He was very pleased to have been approched by the angry Underpants Gnomes. Apparently, the Gnomes were thought to be inferior to the elves. They used the Gnomes for hard labor until the Gnomes got together and revolted. This was many centuries ago, but they still have plotted a payback only to never find the right opportunity. He saw the first to come running down the pass.

"Did you get the.............stuff?", Birch inquired. (yes he talks with dots too)

"Sure did. The others are right behind me. There was a problem, but we had to use some clobber and we are now another member more."

Birch drop the cigarette and crushed it with his massive foot. (You all know what that means right ladies? Ahem, right, the story.)

"Did they........see you?"

"Yeah! Didn't you hear me?", Mentos belted.

"Oh..............yeah that's right.", Birch drunkenly said as he took another drink of his special clober brew.
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Postby Fo » Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:12 pm

Enough.

You rebellious ENTers have pushed me one too many times. You will live with Clobber restrictions untill you get back to work and start kicking some more heathen ass. Many people don't know what Clobber is. Thinking it mearly the physical vessel that we have magically formed it into.

Getting fat and lazy you are, sucking up the clobber. Show some damn restraint and respect. For Clobber is best enjoyed naturally, formed with spirit of the smack down. We are all suffering from this shortage, from top to bottom. We are in this together whether you like it or not.

If you ENTers refuse to get in the fold TNE will be forced to force you to get in the fold and I'll be on the front lines bringing my blade. United we shall be, one way or the other.
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Postby Alex_Surge » Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:14 pm

Damn what a sham the only cool evil elf here is this!!
*points to icon*
Now get out of my tree!!
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Postby Bal Teren » Sat Apr 22, 2006 4:52 pm

Bal Teren was swiftly moving down the hill rolling a keg of the aging clobber. It got away from him and started to pick up speed barreling toward an unsuspecting Mentos and Birch. Before Bal could catch his breath and yell out to them to get out of the way, Birch smiled and stepped aside allowing Mentos to catch the full blow. A laughing Bal Teren finally caught up to Birch and Mentos.

"We got 10 kegs total. This one fell off the wagon and I had to chase after it. What's the matter, Mentos? You look like you just got clobbered," Bal laughed.
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Postby Adaras Alt » Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:34 pm

Bal Teren wrote: What's the matter, Mentos? You look like you just got clobbered," Bal laughed.


BOO! I expected better from the alter-ego of one of the most cleverest men I know.
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Postby Virch » Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:08 pm

man i see alot of old players a few of which are pretty good too. so i wonder if the strong rp skilz of tne have scared off the new and younger blood. so i preent a challenge to my vets........

go find a new tne guy and drag his ass in here, i shall go do the same.

anyways, it nice to have all of you back and i wish you all luck this age. i sure asoc would return home, without him it is still a bit empty for me. i am sure it is empty for him also as he is playing unguilded last i heard.

joe g, welcome back and thanks for giving me another age, heck alot of people wont even remember you or worse, they will think your the alt of the now famous joe golfer.
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Postby Torkano » Sun Apr 23, 2006 7:23 pm

Torkano was happy he contacted the ENTs, Sleepy and the dwarves, and of course, the Underpants Gnomes. His plan allowed him to swing a deal with the ENTs to get him 45% of the spoils. Torkano could then give some to the rest of TNE as long as it was kept hush hush. The rest would be dealt equally amongst the capers. The plan was that the Gnomes would disguise themselves as elves to get into the tree without any suspicion. However, they had to double up since they were kind of short. Once inside, they could let the ENTS and dwarves in the back entrance. After that, it was up to them. Unfortunately, the elves kept any schematics of the inside of the Magic Tree secret.
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Postby Corporate Elf » Sun Apr 23, 2006 7:39 pm

Ernie sat with his feet upon his desk looking out the window of the penthouse suite of The Magic Tree tm. Occasionally the sounds of the chaos in the court house reached his ears. After a particularly loud detonation, Ernie roused himself from his thoughts to walk to the window. As he surveyed the damage of courtyard, a slow smile began to creep across his adorable elfin face.

It wont be long now. No it won’t be long at all.

Ernie fell back into his pensiveness. He found his mind drifting back, as it almost always did, to a time when he was younger, much younger. A tall skinny man in the prime of his life came stumbling into view. He was drunk, of course. This man seemed to always be. He smelled of cheap rum. He was talking to himself and waving a lit cigarette as he spoke….

Ernie shuttered. The memory was upon him full force now. He was powerless to stop it, much as he was powerless to stop what happened years ago. He surrendered to the pain.

The man, giant in Ernie’s memories, continued on heedless of the elves that scattered to avoid his feet. Ernie sighed in relief as the oaf finally reached the fence that marked the end of the elfin village. Then, oh the horror…

Ernie’s hands were gripped white-knuckled on his desk. Tears rolled openly down his dimple cheeks and then, unnoticed onto his desk blotter.

NOOOOOO!

The cigarette, flicked carelessly away from the stupid oafs hand, hit the thatch roof of his families home, igniting it instantly. From the trees that he played among, Ernie watched helplessly as his home turned into a hellish inferno. The cries of pain, cries that would awaken him screaming in the night years later, filled his ears. The smell of burning shortbread and fudge choked him. Everything went black.

Oh you rat-bastard. Ernie muttered thickly You’ll pay. Oh how you’ll pay.

His small delicate hand reached out to hit a cookie shaped intercom button.

Ginger, I need you to take a memo.

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Postby Gingy » Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:45 am

*a small cookie shaped but very delicious looking fellow comes in*

Umm when are you gonna get it in your thick little skull its not Ginger its Gingy!!! Now what can I help you with this time? You must have called for a reason.
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Postby Lil Panda » Fri Apr 28, 2006 9:15 pm

The small black and white bear, tumbles down the hill behind the stolen barrel of icky stuff. *why TNE and ENT liked it she would never understand* It just didn't fit into being cute and cuddly at all...sheesh..but sometimes it tasted good.

Hey guys, what you doing wif all this stowen cwobber??I heard all the commotion and thought I'd come and see what was going on. Glad I showed up...you guys pwobabwy need help. Hey...isn't that the weirdo elf twee pwace?? Hey...I smell cookies!

The small bear blinks her eyes and begins to wander towards the tree following the smell of sweets...
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